jaded
Mood:  blue
My story is much too sad to be told, but practicly everything leaves me totally cold. So much, too much as happened since I last wrote. I grew up, essentially. I am living completely on my own, providing for myself solely on my own account. Blake left for basic July 28. About a month later he asked me to marry him. I agreed, and began plans for a wedding in the fall or winter. My mom bought me a beautiful gown. We planned on elopeing in Chicago, where he was stationed soon after his basic training ended.  He was doing some continuing schooling there. We would then have a ceremony when he came home for the holidays.He finished that schooling early, and they sent him to Florida. Three days later he broke up with me. I can't say I didn't ask for it. I could feel is mood shift. So I asked him what was going on-eventually he let me know that his heart was no longer into our relationship. It was ablsolutly the strangest thing. One minute he wanted me to rush to Chicago soe he could see me and begin our life together. Then he suddenly had no time for me, no desire to speak to me, or see me, or marry me. He claims he is depressed. I, having faught the battle against depression, that horrid, ongoing battle-I feel for him. He currently is "talking" to various girls throught Illinois and Florida. He has had sex with one girl, know for being a "slut." He does not call or write. I took him back after he cheated on me for four months; I sat here paying his bills, taking care of his life back here, for five months - he has left me. I am no saint, no angel. But I have loved that boy, tended to that boy, forgiven him, cooked and cleaned for him, provided for him, and sacraficed for him. I have given him everything I can, and asked for little in return. And here I sit. Alone, stunned, sad, pathetic. Where once a strong, happy, vibrent girl stood is now a hollow excuse for a human being. I have no one that cares for me in the way that I need. I have no prospects. I have nothing that I once had that made me feel complete. I barely exist. But I keep pushing. I don't know why I don't just crumble & give up. I want to. I want to just sit around all day, and do absolutly nothing. I have no goals or aspirations. How will anyone ever find me interesting enough. How will I find someone who makes me feel like he made me feel? I was so lucky-too lucky. Now I am nothing. I have no one. I have a few friends, but it isn't the same. I want someone, something that brings that fire back into my soul. If I have nothing here I want to up and leave-I want to go far away, where no one knows me. It would be just as well. I am alone. I want to shut this world out, like he has. I want to feel nothing, like he does. I want my spirit to be as broken as his is, so that I stop feeling for him, like he has stopped feeling for me. Why can I not be granted this?

fifty-nine days and counting....
It has only been two days and I miss my hunnie like crazy! I cannot stand it. Last night he went and partied with some friends again and didn't call me the whole night. I woke up at three this morning and realized that I still hadn't heard from him. I felt so sick. All I could think of was his car wrapped around a tree, or his arms around another girl. I was mortified. I tried and tried to get a hold of him and nothing. Finally around nine or so I was able to get through to him. He didn't go to work again today. "The alarm didn't go off." It makes me a little upset, but not really. My only worry is that he might lose his job-but he dosen't seem to be worried about that. He dosne't really get to see his friends very often, so I suppose it is all okay. It is true what he said, "I only graduate from high school once." So, whatever. I just can't wait to get back and see him. That will be the best.
So I didn't feel good today and everyone kept hinting that maybe I am pregnant. Ick. No way. They just didn't know that I feel sick often (for two years, on and off.) Plus I had eaten a lot for lunch, so I suppose that helps. Anywho. I ought to be going. I need to shave my legs.

xoxo
Mandie

sixty days and counting....
Mood:  chatty
Well. Big things have gone down.
I am moved out-I don't know if I have said that yet. My puppy is living with me-I let him stay at my mom's for a week because he was getting puppy-depressed, not being able to run and jump and play like usuall. My mom thought that I was giving him to her. Not the case. I love my little baby. He is kind of retarded-doesn't know how to go potty outside-but I love him and he is mine and I won't give up on him. Silly mom.
Pacific Air Systems has let me go. Months ago my manager, Robbie, found out that Blake is in the military and that I will most likely be leaving early next year. Robbie confronted me on this issue, and I was honest with him. He said that I had a job at Pac Air until I was ready to leave. They didn't want to loose me, I am a good worker-good at my job, good with customers(which is a focus there.) He was fine with it. He pulled me aside, multipule times, to assure me that my position was secure. He put in ad in at an employment agency. He pulled me aside again-your position is secure. Long story short-somewhere along the way he decided that it was actually best to let me go. He asked me to find another job. I could continue to work there until I did. I think that he only did this because I could have made a big stink if he would have just fired me. I also had been a loyal, dedicated, hard-working employee-how could he let me go? Right? Wrong-he did let me go. And I got nickel and dimed on time. "You would be doing me a favor if you found a new place." But I had to use up my sick time in order to do so. It was rediculous. In the end I found out that he had another guy waiting in the wings to take my position. He promised this position to this guy, as soon as I was gone. The guy's name is Schellman. Schellman was leaving a job where he was taking a 50% pay cut. For some reason this did not flag Robbie. I continue to look for a new position-all the while getting grilled every time I took off early-or took extended lunches. I was insulted. What, would make him think that I was not looking for a job. I had never asked for large ammounts of time off. I was usually early, woudl stay late, and would sometimes skip lunch. I was extremely timely. So I am getting angry at this point. Do not ask me to find a new job, and then question me when I take time off of work? What the hell did he expect. So eventually I had an interview at Puyallup Heating. I was called back for a second interview, and was offered the job there, starting with higher pay than at Pac Air. It is only a mile and a half or so from my downtown apartment. It is great. And the people there are soo nice. I cannot wait to start. I was even honest. I told them that I was looking for a position closer to home, and it was a mutual leaving, becuase they knew that my boyfriend is in the military and that I cannot promise long-term commitment. How am I supposed to know where I will be in a year? I can't.
So it all worked out for the best, in the end. I will be working at a nicer company. Pacific Air is a larger company-but the fuck people over. I have seen them do it to more that just me. They screw people. It is disgusting. The people who ought to get called out never do-and they let quality people go by. If they really want to let a shitty employee go, they should look to Jay. Jay is the manager of the call center. He lies about his age to get in to younger girl's pants. He has screwed half of the people that have gone through the call center-and trust me, A LOT of people have gone through the call center. He is as old as my dad, but claims he is only 30. He is a disgusting human being. A liar and a bullshitter. Pat is kiniving and slow. She lies to get herself ahead-but she is just an old-ass woman who works in a call center. It is her whole life. She thinks she is big shit-but she really isn't. I hate how her and Jay get away with absolutly everyting.
Now I am usually a nice person and never say anything to anyone about anything. I just hate that out of all the scummy people working there, I get the boot. It just does not seem fair. I don't do drugs, I don't lie, I don't cheat. People that work at Pacific Air Systems do.
I was let go because my boyfriend is in the military. Way to go. Thanks for being so supportive. What a rediculous institution. But I suppose that is how the company has gotten so successful. By screwing the little guys.
I really should calm myself down now.
In other news, I love Blake as much as ever. He is so sweet and I am so excited to spend my life with him. We are so good together. I love taking care of him; making him dinner, waking up at 3am to make him breakfast, because he has to leave early in the morning. I just love it. And He loves taking care of me. He is so understanding and patient with me. It really is the fairy-tale love that I imagined as a child. I am so happy with him. He is worth any ammount of sacrafice. Oh I love him.
I did get a little upset at him last night. Not for real, because we never really get mad at eachother, but I have to admit I was a little disturbed. He partied with his friends last night. That, itself, is not a problem to me. That is fine. The only thing is that he only gets drunk with his friends when I am not around. It makes me wonder what he does that he does not want me there for. I know it is not a big deal; I think he just doesn't want to be in a situation where he can't pay as much attention to me, and when he is with his friends, he cannot focus on me as much. Anyways, that happend and he skipped work today. It is not a big deal. It was technically his graduation celebration, so it was fine. But anywho, I have pretty much written a novel at this point, so I best be going.

xoxo
Mandie

Seventy-two days and counting...
Mood:  chatty
I am severely depressed and I don’t know why. I do not want to be here today. I feel completely drained. I feel completely empty. I just want to be with Blake. The time between now and when I see him next, although it is only a matter of hours, seems too far away. I don’t want him to go. The fear of him leaving racks my brain. I try to remain positive-but it is hard. I hate each day-I hate the day itself, as if the it is the thing bringing me closer to him leaving. I hate the day that he is set to leave most of all. I just want him to stay home with me. And it isn’t like he is just joining the regular military-he is just going to be another Army soldier. He is going to be a Seal. He is going to do more training than a regular solider, he is going to be doing more dangerous missions than a regular soldier, he will have more rigorous training than a regular soldier, he will have more responsibilities, he will have more chances to not be coming home to me. It kills me. Why can’t he just live out the American dream-instead of protecting it? Sure it is noble and all, but he wants it for the adventure. It just isn’t fair. Why couldn’t he want to be an electrician? That is a good job-nothing too showy, but he can make a good, honest living. That is all I want. That is my dream. To have a little home with a little family–safe and warm and happy.

Please, Lord, give me courage
Give me strength, give me peace.
Teach me to let each day come-and live it to the fullest.
Help me to work with what I have-and make the most of it.
Remind me to be thankful for the little things-the air in my lungs, the blood in my veins, the wind in my hair, the rain on my skin.
I am thankful for all that You have given me, and ask humbly that when they take my soldier, You guide him every step of the way. Protect him and let him come home safely.
I trust in You and all things You do; I love You, I praise You-please help.
In Your name I pray,
Amen

One Hundred and Nineteen Days, and counting...
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: "Loosing A Whole Year" -TEB
So, I said I was doing better. I crashed. I totally lost my mind last night. I was just sitting there for hours. I attempted to go to sleep at about 8:30. I sat there, laid there, cried there, awake there until 10:30. Then I decided that I would take a shower, try to calm myself down or something.11:30 rolls around. Nothing. Bake is there, and I am just a wretched bitch I can’t even believe that I would act that way toward him. I finally take him home around midnight, that doesn’t end well. I fall asleep, briefly then the dogs start barking at the coyotes…another hour gone. I can’t sleep, I have virtually no appetite. I suppose that is good, I’m getting a little hefty.
I’m not going to lie though, I feel terrible with how I left things with Blake yesterday. I am so angry with this whole situation, and I know that it can’t be as bad as it seems. I just don’t know why he had to just up and decide that he was going down there in one day. He could have just waited an extra month or so…but no. Now he is leaving in August. I crashed. I know it sounds stupid, I know I sound so much like a girl in love; I cannot live without him. I am so dependant on him. I just have to keep telling myself that this is just a test. That was how I got through the whole thing that happened a few months ago…it is just a test. God is testing me, testing Blake, testing our relationship. That is all. I just need to breathe, in and out. Let each day come and go as it will. I need to pray for help, I need to ask for strength. I know I can do this, and I so want to show him that I will be there for him until the end of the world. I will do whatever. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. Right now I need to work on not making him feel so terrible for doing this. It is his calling…it is what he has to do. But I feel like shit. One day at a time. August 17. One hundred and nineteen days and counting.

Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: I want my Third Eye Blind CD...damn you Sam
I am feeling a bit more at ease with everything. I have to admit. Blake left yesterday to Seattle, to be sworn in to the Navy. I cried. I hated it, I didn’t want him to go, I didn’t like how sudden of a decision it was to just up and join, after there had been so much going back and forth about it. But he went, and he called me three times for three minutes each time (pay phone) and it made me feel a little better. I think one of my big things with the Navy is that I think it will make him care less about me. But I guess the ol’ absence makes the heart grow fonder thing does apply. It just honestly scares me. I don’t want to be without him. I don’t want to not see him every day, and wake up with him every morning. I want him to be there to share the little things with me, as well as help me through the big things. And I don’t want us to grow apart while he is gone. I want him here with me always. But I guess that really isn’t fair. And I know that he would like to, but he also feels that he has to do this for himself. I know I have to let him go, let him do what he needs to do, but it is so difficult. I just want him all to myself forever. I don’t want months to go by without me seeing him. I don’t think that I could handle it. Lord give me patience…

I'd give you words but no words come to mind
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: "Anything" Third Eye Blind
So. It has been a while. Things have been pretty good. Work is work. Starting to get into that nitch, where it just is-and it is just miserable. For a while it wasn’t bothering me much. But now it just feels like a waste of time, Blake is leaving soon-too soon, and I feel like I am wasting time I could be spending with him before he goes. I was pretty happy there for a while, because it felt like he actually was starting to want a normal life, with a normal nine to five job. He had said some things about it, and it was sounding like, if he did leave, it wouldn’t be for a while, because it was going to be Army. But now, it has changed-or rather diverted back to what the original plan was. Navy. Navy Seal. I guess that I am the stupid one, because I actually thought that things were going my way, I got my hopes up, and that is my own fault. I am so unbelievably miserable, you wouldn’t believe it. I sometimes forget what it is like to be like this. I can’t believe he is leaving. Is this seriously happening to me? I can’t explain clearly enough to anyone that he is my entire world. I would do absolutely anything for him, including going through the pain of being without him. I think it will be June. I’m so sad, I don’t know how else to put it. I don’t understand why he can’t just wait a year or so. He just frickin’ turned 18 yesterday! It isn’t like his life is passing him by, you know? He could wait a year, and we could get established. We could get an apartment, with regular jobs, and just get a little comfortable with the whole moving out and growing up thing, you know? We could have a plan, and save money, and be so much more prepared for this huge step in both our lives. I think it is such a smart idea. But no, the Navy it is. A Seal nonetheless; could he have picked a more dangerous profession? Oh, I better get some praying in. I so don’t want to do this, but I love him, and I want him to be happy. Lord give me strength.

and my winter giving way to warm
Geeze...it's be a bit of a while. What is new with me? Well, I put a deposit on my apartment. A little one bedroom in downtown Puyallup, which I love. Move in date still unknown. I'm waiting for the current tennants to evict themselves from the premises. Then the apartment will get all spiffed up, and my and my baby will be movin' in. Woop.

I'm helping out my gramma after work these days. Busy time of year, and my grampa's back is still bad. I don't really do much, just hanging up shirts and shorts and yadda yadda yadda. Got my raise here at Pac Air, which was good, because it allowed my to get an apartment on my own merrit, without a co-signer, which was super nice. Robbie really came through on that one for me. I just got my income tax return today, all six-hundred and some odd dollars. Blake got his too, all twelve-hundred and some odd dollars of it. So that is nice, having a little extra padding when moving in. We have pretty much everything we need, bedroom and living room furniture. We dont really need or want dining room furniture right now. I have all my kitchen stuff, except a microwave, pots, and a toaster. Other than that I have all the basics and then some. I also need a vaccuum cleaner.
In other news, Blake and I are wonderful. I love him dearly, and things are great. I just am dreading the day he leaves, I will cry non-stop. Even just for boot camp, because of what it symbolizes. Months upon months of living in a far away place, with death at every corner. I can't stand the thought of it. I just kills me. Last night I came over when they were watching the end of Jarhead. Afterward, we both were in deep thought...it ended in tears as always, him telling me I have nothing to cry about, but he knows as well as I do that I have plenty to cry about. This is not the life I want for either of us, but I can't do anything about that, becuase it is his dream. Why couldn't he just have a regular dream? Why can't his dream mirror mine? Why does this have to be so hard?
I guess I already know the answer to that. I think that it is because it is all a big test. It is a test to see if I can take the suffering for him. It is a test to see if he can sacrafice for me. It is a test to see if our love is truly real, deep and meaningful. I think that we have already accomplished so much-there is nothing that we can't do. Watch our love grow and strenghen. Just watch.

Yay!Friday & Payday...too bad nearly all my money is going to go into my car.Blake says that I need to completely re-do the front end of my car, and no, I did not get in an accident. I don't know what did it. I need new tires and new everything...haha. I just don't know what else is under there. But anywho...I want a new car. I don't know why I should put $500 into my car-when I could put that toward a new car. I really want a Focus. I don't think that is too high of a goal. Just a nice little car, that will run well, but isn't too expensive. I don't know...it's pretty nice not having a car payment, but I really would ike a new car.
Things with Blake are good...last night I fell asleep at his house & didn't wake up until 2am! But that isn't quite as bad as when I fell asleep and didn't leave until 4am last week! But it is nice sleeping with him-actually sleeping(dirty minds). I can't wait for these next few months to go by-so we can live together...I especially can't wait for when he gets out of the military-I will be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo relieved & happy! Until then...my life will be filled with worry, lonliness and unrest. But I love my baby, and I want to be there for him-even if it means sacrafice on my part...I just hope-even though it may be evil of me to hope for- that he decideds, while hes in training or something, that he doesn't really want to do it anymore-that it doesn't interest him anymore. Slim chance-but I still hope.
I should get going, not that I have anything to do or whatever...but I feel bad being on the clock and just typing up non-sense.
Thank GOD it's Friday!!!

A Relapse
Mood:  hug me
So it came up again last night. I guess I'm not as over it as I think that I am; I gues that I'm just lying to myself most of the time. I guess that I am just as weak as I feel.What else would it be? What else would I be? What else is he-she? I didn't feel very pretty in my own skin, I guess that is where it started. I didn't want him to touch me very much-not on my stomach or chest. He was upset, "why don't you want me to touch you?" I just don't like it right now, was the only sort of answer I could give. Then it got really bad. I couldn't kick the thought of them together, sexually speaking. I was picturing every moment of the damn thing. Just playful banter, at first, but then slowly excalating to kissing-touching, to the point where they aren't even thinking anymore-just moving like animals. She's lying there in her underwear, he's touching her brests that are better than mine-they are breathing heavy as he starts to make love to her. Her-not me...her. All the while, he would see me maybe once a week, "I love you," he would say, and he swears that it was the truth-but how? I admit, I did wrong-I did very wrong; but the moment that I realized what I had done, and the magnitude of it all, I hated myself. How could I do this to someone that I love? I know now, why I did it...I was scared. I was feeling the same feelings that he was when he did it. I didn't know if what I was feeling with him was real love-how could I know? I never had been with anyone else, never had a nother boyfriend, never even really spent time with someone else. So I did it, and I'll admit that I did it knowing what I was getting myself into. But it felt wrong, the moment that it started-but I was so curious, I didn't care. I didn't know if it was wrong-I didn't know if it was supposed to feel wrong or not-for all I knew, that could have been the way that all great things begin-but looking back it felt so wrong, so terribly wrong. I feel sick, now, looking back. And the instant it was over-that was it. I knew that I was a terrible person. I didn't love him-I didn't want to love him-I barely even cared for him anymore. And that was big. I had known him for years...five years I knew him. And that was it. When it was done I realized that what I had with Blake was love. The vibe was completely different. I don't even know how to explain how icky it felt. I hated myself.
I battled with myself, back and forth I went. Now my feelings for Blake were confirmed-it was love-it wasn't infatuation. Infatuation bears nothing, there is no real feeling behind infatuation, I don't even know what it is-what purpose it serves. It is but a strong, unquencable feeling that, in the end, leaves you feeling as if you were raped, or cheated. All of this that you have bottled up inside, you think is for a purpose-it isn't. It makes you question yourself, makes you forget things that you inately know. I was faced with the monsterous question: should I tell him? On the one hand, if I told him, our love could remain pure on some level-simply because I wasn't keeping anything from him. I would still feel guilt, but not on the level that I was. But then, there was the other hand, that ultimatly won-and this is why. He straight up told me, the only reason he would ever leave me, was if I slept with someone else. There I stood. If I told him-he would be gone, in an instant, I would have no chance to even explain myself-and if I did, it still would make no difference. So I live in a lie. That was the only option. I live in a lie. I decided that, one day, I was going to tell him. But not until I had him tied to me-I know that it is wrong, but that was the only option in my head that made any kind of sense. I decided to wait until we were married, and possibly had a child-that way, even if he was too disgusted to be with me, I could still keep him in my life. I know it was selfish-but do you want to know the funny thing. That was precisely what Blake was going to do. He was going to keep it up with her until he left-so that he had a vaild reason to break her heart-then he was going to wait to tell me until we were married.
What I did was wrong, and I feel terrible, but in a way, I am happy that what he did was bigger, because that way, he can't leave me for what I did. And honestly, if you would believe it, I feel so bad for him; I hate that he has to live with that. I know how heavy of a burden it is to live knowing that you did something of that magnitude to the one you love. I now it has to hurt him on a deep level, and I know it is true, because for how much of a brick wall Blake seems to be, I have seen a side of him, that no one would believe existed if I told them. He seldom shows it to me.
I guess the point of this all is that it still stings. I think about it so hard. It hurts me so bad. And I know that he's hurting too. We both know both sides of what it feels like to hurt like this. It hurts having it done to you, and it hurts knowing that you have done it to them. But the truth is that I am sorry for what I did, but I can't regret it. I don't think that it is right that I regret anything. The things that we've done in our past, all of us, make us who we are, put us where we are today. I love him. I don't have a doubt in my mind about that. And I'm hurt, I'll admit, but I know for a fact that he loves me. We are who we are because of what we've done-good or bad. And that is all there is to it.